Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Author Unknown – reportedly printed in the London Times Obituaries
This obituary for Common Sense was penned by Glenn Beck in his book The Real America:
Common Sense, the type of information many people believed you were born with, was pronounced dead last night on the floor of the United Nations Security Council. Several high-ranking government officials were there, but nobody noticed its passing for several hours.
For years, Common Sense was responsible for many Americans not using a toaster oven as a bath toy, taking off their clothes before ironing them and not jumping off their roof with a broomstick between their legs after reading Harry Potter.
In the early 1970s, Common Sense began noticing symptoms of his fatal illness when Evel Knievel kept mounting his motorcycle after having broken every bone in his body, at least once. Symptoms worsened in the mid 1990s during a lawsuit by a woman who was burned by coffee. The final blow came in 2002 with the premiere of NBC’s hit reality show Fear Factor.
Common Sense is survived by Litigation, its dysfunctional step-cousin. In lieu of flowers, Litigation asks that you send broken glass to children.
Also in his book The Real America, Glenn Beck laments the death of Shame.
Shame, known by many as that painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable or improper, died alone last night of gross neglect.
Since the beginning of history, Shame’s many accomplishments over the years are noteworthy. Shame brought the United States into World War II, kept people from finishing the ice cream and, until recently, kept hard-core pornography out of the workplace.
Shame has also been responsible for the death of many of history’s most disgraceful figures, including Judas, Oedipus and Roman Polanski, who, while not technically dead, currently resides in France. (2009 Update: Polanski arrested, Hollywood defends)
Shame has been seriously ill for many years, but doctors say it was dealt a significant blow that fateful day in 1995 on the floor of the White House bathroom.
Shame is survived by Conscience, Decency, Civility, Principle and Tact, all of which have been deeply disheartened by Shame’s passing. The news of Shame’s passing was enough to force the long-suffering friend, Honor, onto life support.
Funeral Services will be held at McElroy Funeral Home. Graveside services will be presided over by Cardinal Bernard Law. In lieu of flowers, donations can be sent to the National Organization for Women.